Truth and Forgiveness as Forms of Love

Dear friends,

Last Sunday’s reflection invited us to learn about the code, the standard, and what it means to be a disciple of Jesus. This Sunday’s readings bring it into concrete life experience, showing us where we put our calling as disciples into practice: in our relationships with one another.

In life, there are certain things we can hardly escape: disagreements with a loved one, a sour relationship with a friend, family member, or colleague. No man is an island; we live in a community and for one another. As such, Christian discipleship is not a life lived in a vacuum, nor is it an isolated personal experience. Our community is not perfect. Sometimes, we experience hurt, conflict, or disagreement in our relationships with one another. When such happens, how do we manage it? Do we complain to friends or family? Or do we discuss it on social media, as we often do these days, and allow resentment to grow? Do we pretend everything is okay, while slowly withdrawing from the person and shutting off every access to him or her?

Today, Jesus gives us a model for overcoming such difficult situations and, perhaps more importantly, presents them as a test of our discipleship. He says: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.” This instruction may sound simple, but in practice, it is not always easy. When someone hurts us, going directly to that person is often the last thing we want to do. We are easily caged in the “addiction of always being right.” We feel it is cheap or self-humiliating to reach out first. Sometimes it is easier to talk about the person than to talk to the person. We may tell everyone what happened except the person who actually hurt us. But Jesus proposes another way.  He said, go to the person. He does not say: embarrass the person, expose the person, insult the person, or tell everybody about what the person has done. He says, “Go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.”

This is where we can begin to understand truth as a form of love. Sometimes, we misunderstand love to mean that we should always be nice and never say anything that another person may find difficult to hear. We may remain silent because we do not want conflict or because we fear the person may become angry with us. But silence is not always love. In this case, it is no longer golden or safe. It is a disservice to love. Imagine seeing someone you love walking towards danger. Would you simply watch because you do not want to interfere? Sometimes, the loving thing to do is to speak. There is this beautiful Igbo adage that “A gwalam gi agwa bu ezigbo enyi, akala mu igwa gi bu ajọ enyi”. Telling you [the truth or your faults] is a sign of a good friend; withholding it from you is a sign of a bad friend  

This is also the message of the first reading. God appoints Ezekiel as a watchman for the house of Israel. A watchman who sees danger has a responsibility to warn. In the same way, love sometimes requires us to have the courage to speak the truth.

A true friend is not simply the person who always tells us what we want to hear. Sometimes, a true friend tells us what we need to hear. However, the intention must be motivated by love, not to humiliate, to prove you’re right, or to win an argument, but to win back your brother.  This is why Jesus said: “If he listens to you, you have won over your brother.” So the purpose is not to win the argument. The purpose is to win the person. This makes all the difference. Christian correction is not motivated by anger, revenge, or a sense of moral superiority. It is motivated by love and by the desire to restore a relationship.

Truth, therefore, is a form of love when it seeks the good of the other person. However, love has another side: forgiveness. Sometimes, we can speak the truth, but we find it difficult to forgive. We can tell someone: “What you did was wrong. You hurt me.” But even when the person recognizes the wrong, apologizes, and tries to change, we may still refuse to let go of what happened. We keep the person imprisoned in his or her past. This is where forgiveness becomes another form of love.

Forgiveness does not mean pretending that nothing happened. It does not mean saying that what was wrong was actually right. Neither does it mean that there should be no responsibility or accountability. Rather, forgiveness means refusing to let what someone has done wrong have the final word in our hearts and relationships. In other words, truth tells us that something wrong has happened; forgiveness prevents that wrong from becoming the end of the story. Perhaps this is one of the most difficult demands of Christian discipleship. Some people love the truth but find it difficult to forgive. They can identify every mistake and every fault, but they struggle to give people another chance. Pope John Paul II tells us that forgiveness may seem like weakness, but it demands great spiritual strength and moral courage.

Christian love requires Truth and forgiveness. Truth without forgiveness can become condemnation.If all I do is constantly remind you of your mistakes and never allow you to move beyond them, then truth has lost its purpose of restoring the person. On the other hand, forgiveness without truth can become superficial. If we simply pretend that nothing happened and refuse to address the hurt, the problem may remain hidden, but it has not necessarily been healed. Christian love calls us to something more demanding. A love that tells the truth and a love that seeks the good of the other.

St Paul brings everything together in the second reading when he says: “Love does no evil to the neighbour; hence, love is the fulfilment of the law.” Love is therefore the criterion for correcting one another and reason for forgiveness. It is the duty we owe everyone. This Sunday, therefore, invites us to examine the way we deal with people who hurt, disappoint, or offend us. Archbishop Fulton Sheen said that sometimes reconciliation is sweeter than an unbroken relationship. When I correct someone, am I trying to win an argument or to win back my brother or sister? Do I have the courage to speak the truth when love demands it? And when someone has hurt me, am I willing to forgive without pretending that the hurt did not matter?

Dear Friends, Christian discipleship is not tested only in the Church, in prayer, or in the things we say we believe. It is also tested in our relationships, especially when those relationships become difficult. Perhaps the true test of our discipleship is whether we can speak the truth without hatred and forgive without denying the truth. This is not always easy. But that is the way of the gospel. Therefore, we need to reevaluate those sour or broken relationships in our family, with a friend, with a colleague, in our community,  and with anyone.

May the Lord give us the courage to speak when love requires us to speak, the humility to listen when someone speaks the truth to us, and the generosity to forgive as we ourselves hope to be forgiven. Happy Sunday